letitbetrue | (june)

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julie

(june)

Jeremy -- or Verity, Demelza reminds herself -- has gotten rather active of late, which has resulted in a distinct lack of sleep on Demelza's part. Though twenty-six weeks closer to the end than the beginning, she feels as though she still has far too long left to be with child and has found herself cursing the little one whenever he or she wakes her up in the middle of the night.

It isn't fair to the child, she knows that, and once the baby is born Demelza knows she'll be as completely in love with him or her as she was with Julia Grace when she had first arrived, but she'd not enjoyed being pregnant with Julia and she's not particularly enjoying this either. The difference in time does mean some things are a fair bit easier, but she dislikes how often she's meant to see her doctor, feels as though it cuts into what limited free time she has and she sees no reason for it.

That she has a free afternoon now is cause for celebration, however, and she's made plans to see Julie, which she's very much looking forward to. There's no possible way for anyone to fill the hole Verity has left in Demelza's life, not when Ross's cousin has become so important to her in such a short period of time, but Julie has also become incredibly special to her. Demelza values each and every one of her friendships and is terribly excited to spend the afternoon with Julie.

Even if she is terribly and uncomfortably round.

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"Four of 'em now, so it do seem," Demelza says, shaking her head. They're easy enough to tell apart, for which she's grateful. Kili is quite small and Mr. Garroway is quite large, with Ross somewhere in between, though perhaps a bit closer to Luke than to Kili. And all of them wear their hair and their facial hair quite different.

"Is he a kind man?" she asks, putting a few little gowns in her basket to look at again later.

"It's a nice face, so I suppose we ought to count our blessings!" I say with a grin.

I go a little more thoughtful at her question regarding Philip's character. "I don't think he is, particularly," I answer honestly. "Oh, he's nice enough to me, or I wouldn't waste my time with him, but no. He doesn't strike me as especially kind or thoughtful. He isn't like Mr Solo, who brings me flowers for no reason other than he knows I like them. Philip hasn't even noticed that I do like them, I don't think."

Demelza frowns slightly at that, because Julie has said he's nice enough, but that isn't kind. That isn't the sort of answer she would like to hear from a friend of hers, because Julie deserves someone who is truly good to her.

"Well, perhaps he should learn," she says, a little stiffly. "Tis not right for a man not to be all sorts of kind to you." Ross doesn't bring her flowers, but that's because she knows better than he does what sorts of flowers will bright the home and make it smell nice. He does bring her gifts, however, books for her letters, ribbon and lace, all sorts of small things she loves.

"I've got plenty of other people for kindness ." I don't try to explain what I do want Philip for; I'm not sure she would understand, and I don't want her to think less of me for it. "Don't worry. I won't marry him. We'll get bored with each other soon enough, or one of us will meet someone we like better, or we'll quarrel over something or other. It isn't meant to last forever."

Demelza has never had anything like that, a person with whom she knew she would get bored one day. For her it's only ever been Ross, she's loved him since she was sixteen, and while she wouldn't change that for the world, she does sometimes wonder what it's like to have dalliances of that nature.

"Tis nothing like I've ever known," she admits, her voice just a touch wistful. "Before Ross I was mostly just hoping to avoid havin' to marry one of the miners in Illugan. Not because they were miners, a'course, but because mostly they were old."

"I think you've probably got the best of it, " I admit. "Who wouldn't want to have true love without having to kiss all frogs to find him?" I give her a little grin. "That's all dating is, mostly. But I will tell you about my frogs, if you like, and you can laugh at my mistakes until I find the one who turns into a prince."

Demelza doesn't quite understand why they'd be referred to as frogs, but it doesn't sound particularly nice, having to kiss them if that's how they make Julie feel. Still, she's fascinated by it and so she nods and smiles.

"I promise not t'laugh too hard," she says. "Though you can't possibly hope to find any of my advice useful. I've no experience and I tend to just think love should win."

"I think love should win, too." We aren't so very different, really. Not in any way that really matters at least. "It's just not that easy to find for everyone. I'm determined to know for sure that it's real before I let it be forever with anybody."

Demelza wonders how one knows really or when it happens. She had known from nearly the start with Ross, but she supposes Ross and Elizabeth had thought it real and forever at one point, too.

"No, I d'know I was that lucky when it came to meeting Ross," she agrees. "Though I wouldn't have thought it at the time, what with how in love with Elizabeth he still was. I thought him in love with her even after we were married."

I can hardly imagine Ross in love with anybody but Demelza, he is so clearly devoted to her. "Maybe it's impossible to ever really know, and we all only go off a hunch. And some are luckier than others, but we've all got to take our chances."

I really would prefer more certainty in life, but I will take what I am given.

"Tis very tangled at times," Demelza agrees with a little sigh, thinking about of Francis and Elizabeth and Ross. Of Verity and Captain Blamey. It seems so rare that people get to be with who they truly love.

"All I wish is for those I care about to be happy," she declares. "I've perhaps meddled where I shouldn't, but only for the happiness of others."

"There's nothing wrong with a little helpful meddling." I don't do it much myself, but I would be lying if I said I never have. Sometimes, people just need a push in the right direction and can't see it themselves.

"Well, perhaps when it works and doesn't cause damage elsewhere," Demelza agrees. "But there are too often consequences of meddling, ones we can't perceive at the start of it all and you're simply trying to make your cousin happy. The next thing you know, an entire company has fallen apart and men are on the verge of debtors' prison all because someone else was angry your cousin should want to leave and get married."

"That's all true, I suppose. Awfully specific, though." I smile at her, and hold up a tiny pair of argyle socks. "Have you ever seen anything more precious?"

It is very specific, if only because Demelza isn't yet sure she'll be able to truly forgive herself. Ross has, she's certain of that, but she can hold quite the grudge, even against herself.

But that, perhaps, is not a topic for today.

"They're so small," she says with a laugh, reaching out to gently touch the socks. "So unlike what I've known."

"It's so hard to imagine a person small enough to wear these." I put them in my basket, because now that I know they exist, I absolutely must see them in use. "Babies frighten me a little bit," I admit. "They're just so tiny and helpless."

"Oh, they ent so difficult," Demelza says, thinking of Julia and how things had been when she'd been born. There had been a terrible storm that had come off the water and she knows Aunt Agatha would have seen it as some sort of omen, but Julia has been nothing but a happy, healthy baby, with the exception of the few weeks after their arrival in Darrow.

"Prudie dropped Julia when she was born," she says. "Her little face got all bruised, but she was just fine. They're... what's the word? It begins with an R, I think, it means stronger than one might expect?"

"Resilient?" I suggest, and I do believe her but I still shudder to think about dropping a baby. Julia is a sturdy creature now, but still so small that I am always slightly afraid I might break her. "I suppose they must be. My mother used to say they bounce, but I'm the youngest so I didn't get much chance to see for myself."

"Yes, resilient," Demelza answers, relieved. There are may words she doesn't yet know, things she's still learning, and she appreciates when people help her without making her feel as if she is less intelligent than they are. She'd no fear of Julie's judgment, because Julie has proven to be a good friend and a good person.

"And children are capable of living through all sorts of things," she agrees. "Your mother was right."

"My mother was right about a lot of things. If I ever see her again I will only hope she is nice about all the 'I told you so's that I deserve," I say with a rueful laugh.

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(june)

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