(june)

[letitbetrue]

Jeremy -- or Verity, Demelza reminds herself -- has gotten rather active of late, which has resulted in a distinct lack of sleep on Demelza's part. Though twenty-six weeks closer to the end than the beginning, she feels as though she still has far too long left to be with child and has found herself cursing the little one whenever he or she wakes her up in the middle of the night.

It isn't fair to the child, she knows that, and once the baby is born Demelza knows she'll be as completely in love with him or her as she was with Julia Grace when she had first arrived, but she'd not enjoyed being pregnant with Julia and she's not particularly enjoying this either. The difference in time does mean some things are a fair bit easier, but she dislikes how often she's meant to see her doctor, feels as though it cuts into what limited free time she has and she sees no reason for it.

That she has a free afternoon now is cause for celebration, however, and she's made plans to see Julie, which she's very much looking forward to. There's no possible way for anyone to fill the hole Verity has left in Demelza's life, not when Ross's cousin has become so important to her in such a short period of time, but Julie has also become incredibly special to her. Demelza values each and every one of her friendships and is terribly excited to spend the afternoon with Julie.

Even if she is terribly and uncomfortably round.

Comments

[kissmehardy]

"My parents were always very affectionate. I've never expected to marry for anything other than love, but I think you may be right. I can only imagine how hard it would be otherwise. Now I just need to fall in love. I think that might be the most difficult part," I say wryly.

[letitbetrue]

Demelza's parents had been strange, stranger than she can even think to explain now, years after her mother's death. Tom Carne had beaten his wife as often as he'd gone on to beat his daughter, but her death had left him distraught, entirely broken in a way Demelza had never known before. She doesn't know what to make of them even now.

"Oh, I don't know," she says thoughtfully. "I found it rather easy to fall in love, but then, at sixteen I had a handsome soldier sweep in and save me from a beating, so I suppose that is somethin' else entirely."

[kissmehardy]

"That sounds so romantic," I say with a wistful sigh. I don't think I'm ready to settle down, not when I am having so much fun with such a variety of lovely men, but I can't deny the appeal of being swept of my feet and into a happy, loving home and family.

[letitbetrue]

"It wasn't really," Demelza admits. "Not at first. I didn't trust him none, I thought he might want somethin' from me and I were only a street urchin as far as he was concerned."

She laughs a little, then says, "The first day I worked for him, he shoved me under the cold water and very roughly scrubbed my hair. Didn't want no crawlers in his house, see. Things with Ross... it wasn't usual anyway. I think it happened rather slow for the both of us, but much faster for me." But nothing about it had ever been difficult.

[kissmehardy]

"Who wants 'usual'?" My romantic notions might be a little unrealistic, but I want to believe that it's all possible. "It's all turning out very well, at least. I think that's plenty romantic."

[letitbetrue]

"There's been times when I've wondered," Demelza admits. "Ross was in love with someone else, but when he returned from war, she was engaged to marry his cousin Francis. She's so lovely, so refined. I always did compare myself to her and sometimes I hated her."

She grimaces, ashamed of herself. "But she's always been that kind to me. I couldn't really hate her at all."

[kissmehardy]

"I wish nobody ever made you feel as if you are wanting, just because they came from a family with money and you didn't." This is something I try to avoid myself, at least with people I like, but I can't help being posh, and I can't do much about how other people act toward those they consider inferior. "Because you're fantastic, really."

[letitbetrue]

"Thank 'ee," Demelza says, smiling. Things are different here and they were even different with the Poldarks at times, but she knows what other families thought of her. Ruth Teague had always made it plain enough and even Elizabeth's mother had been unkind to her.

The Warleggans were the worst, however, and she knows they hate her not only because she's come from poverty, but because they hate Ross. She can hate them back with equal fervor.

"I d'think some of the women were simply jealous, having wanted Ross for themselves," she admits, still thinking of Ruth.

[kissmehardy]

"I can see how that might be, though it's no excuse for being rude to you. He made his own choice." I very intently study a small pair of trousers before making my own confession. "I've gone out a few times with a man who looks a lot like him. But I have no designs on Ross himself, I promise!"

[letitbetrue]

"Well, he is that handsome, so I d'understand it," Demelza says, although she's trying to imagine which man Julie is speaking of.

"It can't be Mister Garroway, for he and Mister Reid seemed so happy," she says. "And it isn't Kili, he's far too devoted to that lovely women he lives with. Is there another, then?"

[kissmehardy]

"His name is Philip. I didn't realize there were quite so many men with the same face. How odd that must be for all of them." I'm not sure how I would feel if I met someone else who looked just like me, when it seems impossible but I have seen the phenomenon with my own eyes.

[letitbetrue]

"Four of 'em now, so it do seem," Demelza says, shaking her head. They're easy enough to tell apart, for which she's grateful. Kili is quite small and Mr. Garroway is quite large, with Ross somewhere in between, though perhaps a bit closer to Luke than to Kili. And all of them wear their hair and their facial hair quite different.

"Is he a kind man?" she asks, putting a few little gowns in her basket to look at again later.

[kissmehardy]

"It's a nice face, so I suppose we ought to count our blessings!" I say with a grin.

I go a little more thoughtful at her question regarding Philip's character. "I don't think he is, particularly," I answer honestly. "Oh, he's nice enough to me, or I wouldn't waste my time with him, but no. He doesn't strike me as especially kind or thoughtful. He isn't like Mr Solo, who brings me flowers for no reason other than he knows I like them. Philip hasn't even noticed that I do like them, I don't think."

[letitbetrue]

Demelza frowns slightly at that, because Julie has said he's nice enough, but that isn't kind. That isn't the sort of answer she would like to hear from a friend of hers, because Julie deserves someone who is truly good to her.

"Well, perhaps he should learn," she says, a little stiffly. "Tis not right for a man not to be all sorts of kind to you." Ross doesn't bring her flowers, but that's because she knows better than he does what sorts of flowers will bright the home and make it smell nice. He does bring her gifts, however, books for her letters, ribbon and lace, all sorts of small things she loves.

[kissmehardy]

"I've got plenty of other people for kindness ." I don't try to explain what I do want Philip for; I'm not sure she would understand, and I don't want her to think less of me for it. "Don't worry. I won't marry him. We'll get bored with each other soon enough, or one of us will meet someone we like better, or we'll quarrel over something or other. It isn't meant to last forever."

[letitbetrue]

Demelza has never had anything like that, a person with whom she knew she would get bored one day. For her it's only ever been Ross, she's loved him since she was sixteen, and while she wouldn't change that for the world, she does sometimes wonder what it's like to have dalliances of that nature.

"Tis nothing like I've ever known," she admits, her voice just a touch wistful. "Before Ross I was mostly just hoping to avoid havin' to marry one of the miners in Illugan. Not because they were miners, a'course, but because mostly they were old."

[kissmehardy]

"I think you've probably got the best of it, " I admit. "Who wouldn't want to have true love without having to kiss all frogs to find him?" I give her a little grin. "That's all dating is, mostly. But I will tell you about my frogs, if you like, and you can laugh at my mistakes until I find the one who turns into a prince."

[letitbetrue]

Demelza doesn't quite understand why they'd be referred to as frogs, but it doesn't sound particularly nice, having to kiss them if that's how they make Julie feel. Still, she's fascinated by it and so she nods and smiles.

"I promise not t'laugh too hard," she says. "Though you can't possibly hope to find any of my advice useful. I've no experience and I tend to just think love should win."

[kissmehardy]

"I think love should win, too." We aren't so very different, really. Not in any way that really matters at least. "It's just not that easy to find for everyone. I'm determined to know for sure that it's real before I let it be forever with anybody."

[letitbetrue]

Demelza wonders how one knows really or when it happens. She had known from nearly the start with Ross, but she supposes Ross and Elizabeth had thought it real and forever at one point, too.

"No, I d'know I was that lucky when it came to meeting Ross," she agrees. "Though I wouldn't have thought it at the time, what with how in love with Elizabeth he still was. I thought him in love with her even after we were married."

[kissmehardy]

I can hardly imagine Ross in love with anybody but Demelza, he is so clearly devoted to her. "Maybe it's impossible to ever really know, and we all only go off a hunch. And some are luckier than others, but we've all got to take our chances."

I really would prefer more certainty in life, but I will take what I am given.

[letitbetrue]

"Tis very tangled at times," Demelza agrees with a little sigh, thinking about of Francis and Elizabeth and Ross. Of Verity and Captain Blamey. It seems so rare that people get to be with who they truly love.

"All I wish is for those I care about to be happy," she declares. "I've perhaps meddled where I shouldn't, but only for the happiness of others."

[kissmehardy]

"There's nothing wrong with a little helpful meddling." I don't do it much myself, but I would be lying if I said I never have. Sometimes, people just need a push in the right direction and can't see it themselves.

[letitbetrue]

"Well, perhaps when it works and doesn't cause damage elsewhere," Demelza agrees. "But there are too often consequences of meddling, ones we can't perceive at the start of it all and you're simply trying to make your cousin happy. The next thing you know, an entire company has fallen apart and men are on the verge of debtors' prison all because someone else was angry your cousin should want to leave and get married."

[kissmehardy]

"That's all true, I suppose. Awfully specific, though." I smile at her, and hold up a tiny pair of argyle socks. "Have you ever seen anything more precious?"